Closing the Chasm: How to Reach Your Distant Teenager

Strategies for communicating with teenagers effectively

The teenage years represent a significant period of transition and growth, often accompanied by a unique set of academic, social, and emotional challenges, therefore communicating with teenagers can be challenging. Many parents find it increasingly difficult to understand and connect with their children during this time. If your once-chatty child now seems distant, rebellious, or perpetually moody, you are not alone. Desirée Hugo, Academic Head at ADvTECH Schools, emphasizes that parents play a crucial role, and “consistent communication remains one of the best strategies to help them navigate the teenage years.”

However, Hugo acknowledges this is “easier said than done.” For parenting teens in South Africa, particularly within a homeschooling environment where the parent-child dynamic is also an educator-student one, fostering open dialogue is key. This guide, drawing on Hugo’s expertise, offers practical strategies for effectively communicating with teenagers.

Understanding the Teenage Landscape

Before diving into communication techniques, it’s important to acknowledge the world your teenager is navigating. High school, whether traditional or homeschooled, brings more complex coursework and higher expectations. “They have to make important decisions about their future, such as what subjects to take, what career to pursue and university choices,” Hugo explains. “These decisions can cause constant stress and anxiety for teenagers, who may feel overwhelmed or uncertain.”

Added to this are hormonal changes, mood swings, and the critical task of forming their own identity. Social pressures, peer relationships, and the ever-present digital world also play significant roles. In South Africa, broader societal factors, such as a challenging job market (as highlighted by recent Stats SA reports showing high youth unemployment), can add another layer of underlying stress about the future. It’s a period where they might feel misunderstood or isolated, making parental support through effectively communicating with teenagers even more critical.

The Power of Effectively Communicating With Teenagers

Building an environment where communicating with teenagers is open and respectful is not just about avoiding conflict; it’s about fostering a positive and trusting relationship. Hugo highlights several benefits:

• Improved Academic Skills: Open dialogue allows parents to understand academic struggles and provide support.
• Developed Social Skills: Teens learn how to express themselves respectfully and navigate relationships.
• Enhanced Emotional Skills and Resilience: Talking about feelings helps teens process emotions and build coping mechanisms.
• Boosted Self-Esteem and Identity: Feeling heard and understood contributes to a stronger sense of self.
• Reduced Risky Behaviours: A strong parent-teen relationship can be a protective factor.
• Strengthened Family Trust: Consistent, positive communication builds a foundation of trust.

For homeschooling parents, where you are often the primary teacher and mentor, these communication skills are doubly important in managing homeschool teenager challenges.

Guidelines for Communicating with Teenagers Effectively

Developing strong communication is “a marathon, not a race,” according to Hugo. Consistency is key. Here are her recommended strategies, expanded with practical applications:

1. Choose the Right Time and Place:

• Hugo’s Tip: Talk when you and your teenager are calm, relaxed, and free from distractions.
• In Practice: Avoid initiating serious conversations when either of you is tired, stressed, or rushing. Mealtimes (with screens away), a walk, or a quiet moment in the evening might work. For homeschoolers, try to separate “school talk” from “personal talk” times.

2. Use Open-Ended Questions:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use questions like “How was your day?” or “What are you interested in?” to invite sharing.
• In Practice: Instead of “Did you finish your maths?”, try “What was the most interesting/challenging part of your maths today?” or “Tell me about that new game/book/friend.” These require more than a yes/no answer.

3. Practise Active Listening (Active Listening Teens):

• Hugo’s Tip: Use nodding, smiling, or paraphrasing to show interest and attention.
• In Practice: Put down your phone, make eye contact (without staring them down), and genuinely focus. Paraphrase what they’ve said: “So, it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated with…” This shows you’re truly hearing them. YoungMinds, a UK-based mental health charity, offers excellent resources on active listening, emphasizing validating feelings and acknowledging their perspective (YoungMinds – How to be a good listener).

4. Offer Positive Feedback:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use praise, appreciation, or encouragement to acknowledge achievements and efforts.
• In Practice: Notice the effort, not just the outcome. “I really appreciate how you managed your time on that project,” or “I saw how hard you worked on that, well done.”

5. Use “I” Statements:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use “I feel” or “I think” to express your thoughts and feelings without blaming.
• In Practice: Instead of “You always leave your room a mess,” try “I feel stressed when the common areas are untidy because it creates more work for everyone.”

6. Communicate Assertively (Not Aggressively):

• Hugo’s Tip: Use “I need” or “I want” to state your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.
• In Practice: “I need you to complete your chores by 6 pm so we can have dinner together,” is clearer and less confrontational than “Why haven’t you done your chores yet?!”

7. Embrace Compromise and Negotiation:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use phrases like “Can we agree on…?” or “Can we find middle ground?”
• In Practice: Teenagers need to feel some control and that their opinions matter. If there’s a disagreement about screen time, for example, discuss limits together rather than imposing strict rules without input. This is vital in maintaining positive parent-teen relationships.

8. Inject Humour and Fun:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use jokes, games, or activities to lighten the mood and bond.
• In Practice: Share a funny story, play a board game, or engage in a shared hobby. Laughter can diffuse tension and strengthen connections.

9. Show Empathy and Compassion:

• Hugo’s Tip: Use “I understand” or “I care” to show support for their challenges and emotions.
• In Practice: Truly try to see things from their perspective. Acknowledge their feelings: “I can see you’re really upset about what happened with your friend.”

10. Acknowledge Their Reality:

• Hugo’s Tip: Don’t underplay your teen’s concerns by highlighting future positives. Let them live in the moment and acknowledge their anxiety before offering reassurance.
• In Practice: If they are worried about an upcoming test or social event, resist the urge to immediately say, “Oh, you’ll be fine!” or “It’s not a big deal.” Instead, say, “It sounds like this is really worrying you. Tell me more about what’s on your mind.” Once they feel heard, you can then gently offer perspective or problem-solving support.

The Homeschooling Context: Unique Opportunities and Challenges

Homeschooling parents often spend a significant amount of time with their teenagers, which can be a huge advantage for building strong communication. You have more opportunities for informal chats and shared experiences. However, the dual role of parent and educator can sometimes blur lines and create pressure points. It’s important to consciously create space for conversations that aren’t just about academics. Setting aside specific “non-school” time to connect can be beneficial.

According to a UNICEF South Africa U-Report poll in 2022, a high percentage of youth felt they needed mental health support, yet many did not seek it, sometimes because they didn’t know where to go (UNICEF SA – 73 per cent of youth needed mental health support). This underscores the critical need for parents to be approachable and for teens to feel safe talking about their struggles. Organizations like The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) offer resources and helplines that can support families (www.sadag.org).

What are your most effective strategies for communicating with teenagers effectively in your homeschool? Share your experiences and insights in the comments below! We encourage you to share this article and subscribe to our weekly newsletter for more parenting and educational tips.